Don't get me wrong,
I am not claiming to be strong. But I can tell you, my God is, praise Him.
Motherhood has about done me in about... a gazillion times, yep, about exactly a gazillion times. Thankfully, over time my good and sovereign God has ground away more and more of me and begun to work me over into a shape more resembling the me He intended, a me that looks more like Him, praise Him!
Truthfully, I could not have gotten this far without Him, and almost didn't! In spite of me, He has been faithful to bring us along to the most wonderful we have been yet! He keeps growing us and removing uglies and healing yuckies (official mama terms) and growing loveliness and beauty in each of us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I only ever wanted to be a mama. When my friends were talking about college and what they were gonna be when they 'grew up', I kinda would panic inside, I only wanted to get married and have me some babies! Well, thankfully God had the same plan b/c soon I was knee deep in my 'dream', only it isn't all snuggles and nuzzles, baby!!!
If not for grace and a merciful, faithful God, me, my kiddos, and my husband would have been a monumental mess by now! But we aren't! Yay!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So this morning, I got up out of bed, knelt down with my cup of coffee and thanked my God for these and prayed for them. Then, later, after a great morning and a prayer for them all from their Daddy, I kissed my oldest baby good-bye and he smiled, laughed, walked off to high school. My second born son, I reminded to be a warrior against evil and FOR good! He said, Mhm, and took his cute freckled face off to 6th grade with a bounce in his step. Oldest daughter had already spied her friends and run ahead to join them, her eyes twinkling and all lit up in a new first day of school outfit. And the youngest, holds my hand and off she and I walk to her school. She stays close, asks a few times if I am going to stay with her and walk in to her class with her. She hugs me and hugs me again, and I hug her right back, holding on tight to this moment that will not stay. Well I think this is the way it goes, the youngest tugs at my heart, not because you love your youngest any more than the others, may it never be! But the youngest... I don't know what it is, just the ending of times and things, the last first tooth lost, the last first day of kindergarten, the last... the Last. And as I dab the tears from the corners of my eyes, holding back tears and unable to speak for my heart in my throat, my only consolation, the only thing that lifts the heaviness from my chest and gives my breath back, is this; my God is with them. He goes with them, He has plans for these and loves them spectacularly more than I am able. Hallelujah. I can kiss my baby good-bye, after walking her into her 2nd grade class and leave her there, among all those people who don't love her as much I do, because I know her God loves her more. Whew!
The things a mother's heart has to go through! And it has just begun for me. All my heart has had to do is leave my babies at school, my friends hearts have had to watch their children go through hard stuff! How do you watch your baby have their heart wounded or experience loss or rebellion! Ugh.
He prepares me with this:
"Be patient, therefore brethren, until the coming of the Lord. Behold, the farmer waits for the precious produce of the soil, being patient about it, until it gets the early and late rains. You too be patient; strengthen your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.' James 5:7-8
Patience, until my precious produce receive their early and late rains. Strengthen my heart... this is a repeated theme, something we are to do. Strengthen our hearts. So today, when I have kissed my babies and left them and I struggle to hold it together, He reminds me to strengthen me heart, for He is with them!
He. is. with. them.
And my heart grows a tiny bit stronger, thank You, Lord.
